*disclaimer: I know this post may seem long but I promise it's worth the read
I was never the religious type. However, I do believe in some of that cosmic mumbo jumbo. I believe we are all here for some individual reason. I believe you were meant to take certain paths over others. I believe that certain things in your life happen for a reason. I believe people who don’t believe in aliens are crazier than the ones who do because if you truly believe that WE are the only things or living beings out there in the entire cosmos, you must be mad as a hatter.
But most importantly, I believe that certain people are in your life for a reason - whether that be to love you, support you, care for you, or teach you a lesson.
I also believe the biggest fear people have on this Earth is change. I can’t judge of course because I hate change but I am aware enough to know the difference between a good change and a bad one. I don’t know how or where along the lines we all became afraid of moving on and away, especially from the bad stuff. If you’re wondering where I’m going with all this cosmos nonsense, I’m getting to people’s fear of letting go and moving on from relationships.
Someone I know, my friend, who I care deeply about is in a horrible situation right now. She has been with her boyfriend for about 9 years (yep that long). He was her first everything, and, let’s just say she wasn’t his. They met when she was 16 and he was 20. A couple of weeks after they had been dating, he got into a crazy accident which put him in a coma for a couple of days but once he awoke from it, he only had minor injuries. During this time, she had been by his side, and with everything going on, she thought it was the right time to say I love you, which he didn’t reciprocate right away. Before the accident, he was in college but afterwards couldn’t reenter because he was suing the driver for his injuries, though they were minor and eventually healed. This meant he spent the next 8 years of their relationship with no job and no education, awaiting a settlement (the case didn’t go to court until last year) while she finished high school and moved on to university. If you read my first post, you’ve read about my cousin who is like a second sister to me (I have one sister). My cousin was introduced to him about 4 years into their relationship. A few days later so was I. We both agreed that he was alright, but there was something about him we both didn’t like. A gut feeling if you will. We however didn’t want to mention it to her because we didn't want to hurt her feelings. I soon found out that many, if not all her friends had the same opinion as I did and also chose not to tell her.
Over the years, they got into many, MANY fights. However, the majority of the fights were petty and pointless, and usually ended with my friend alone in a movie theatre after he had walked out, alone in a mall food court as he had thrown out the food she bought for him or alone in the cold after he had kicked her out of his house for not wanting to talk about their problems. She soon learned he liked to walk out a lot and never actually dealt with any of their problems. As the years went on with him at at standstill, he began forgetting what it was like to have ambition. He wasn’t interested in going back to school or even finding a job to support my friend whom he planned on marrying. He figured once he got his settlement money, they’d be well off and he wouldn't have to work for anything. I can’t stand these kinds of people and neither did my friend - the people who think money can solve everything. His idea that the money he would receive would solve all his problems made his appreciation for things, including my friend, slowly disappear. He would spend money on useless things like movies, arcades and even one time bought a $300 scooter at a fair cause it looked cool. I know because I was there, and he was also 27 at the time (yes a 27 year old man buying a scooter made for children). Not only my friend, but even his family kept asking him over the years to do something with his life and not depend on the settlement. He of course never listened.
One day out of the blue, I eventually found out from my friend she had become fed up and broken up with him. She said he spoke to her disrespectfully, he wouldn’t talk about their problems, and even though he started going to school, he didn’t really care to succeed because he claimed ‘he had money’. She also explained that she had already been broken up with him for about a week and had showed me all the messages he sent her since which I was disgusted when I read. She also said she couldn’t trust him anymore because he had told her multiple times he had cheated on her, then said he was ‘just joking’ (I’m sorry but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard. When you are in an argument with someone you really love, you sometimes do say things that will hurt their feelings but saying that you cheated, over and over again, and then saying you were joking is just cruel and disgusting). She also explained that earlier that day when she met up with her friends (the same ones who told me they didn’t like him to begin with) to tell them about it, they told her something too. They made sure she was positive she wasn’t going back and when she said yes, they proceeded to tell her why they didn’t like him. Let’s just say he had been extremely inappropriate with all her friends and even inappropriately message one of her best friends which also led to him groping her on a dance floor while my friend was in the same room. He first denied this accusation but after he found out that other people had seen him, he claimed he was aiming for her hand but accidentally grabbed her hips and that he was groping and grinding with her to make her ‘feel happy’ because her boyfriend had just cheated on her. Of course after hearing all this, the friend was even more confident with her decision knowing all the things he did behind her back, and how uncomfortable all her friends felt around him.
Then came the real trouble - his family. She had to break the news to his family since he still claimed to not know why she broke up with him (even though she and her friends had explained to him multiple times). My friend decided to be brutally honest with his sister and mother since she had become so close with them. They were of course disgusted at what their son/brother had done and become and apologized. They then asked her to give him one more chance and if he screwed up again, they wouldn't stop her if she left. I told her not to give in. Soon after this, he began buying her gifts like jewellery and leaving it on her door step. When she said he couldn’t buy her, he said it wasn’t to buy her back, it was for her to keep as a memory of their love (bs alert). I told her how I felt but I also said to not let anyone influence her decision, especially his family but use what she learned to make a decision. A few days later she told me she gave him one more chance and told him he had to listen to whatever she said and he had to change otherwise she was gone for good.
Here’s where the multitude of lessons come in kids.
KNOW WHEN TO LET GO
I think it's a lie when people say they don't know when to let go. It's like swinging over a lake on a rope. You know when to let go, but sometimes, you're just to scared to. I feel that's the same in relationships. You know in your heart when something isn't right. If you're not happy in a relationship, try and work on it. But if you're not happy years later (in this case 9) you should've left the first instance it didn't feel right. When you're not in love anymore, despise the other person and are no longer happy being with the other person, it's time to let go.
MONEY DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING
I firmly believe in the idea that you have to work for things you want, even if that’s money. The difference between working for money and simply receiving it is that when you work for it, you gain appreciation for it, and you learn all the struggles of life that make you a better person. And don't think you can buy a person off. Buying gifts when you are in an argument is just a sneaky way of trying to get out of it. And it never fixes the real problem.
BE WITH SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU HAPPY
I watched this friend for years be ok in the relationship but be so low during the lows. Overall she was not happy, but I could sense she was too afraid to leave. Please don’t be. The point of being in love is to be with someone who makes you just as happy as you make them. If you are constantly unhappy, don’t be afraid to leave and find someone better because YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. Don’t let anyone let you think otherwise. In the moment, I know it can be scary, trust me I’ve been through it, but if someone in your life is genuinely making you unhappy, know that there is someone else out there waiting to make you smile.
DON’T LET OTHERS INFLUENCE YOUR DECISIONS
YOU CAN'T CHANGE A PERSON
I think the biggest mistake my friend made was trying to change him during the relationship and only going back if he changed. I don’t believe a person can change unless that person isn’t willing to change themselves. If they don't want to change, you sure can't make them. And don’t fall in love thinking the other person is some project to be worked on. Changing someone to be the person you want isn't the same as falling in love with the person for who they are. It is up to the person to realize their own mistakes and attempt to be a better person.
And last but not least: DON'T BE AFRAID
Other than being afraid of change as I mentioned before, I think our biggest fear is of fear itself. Don’t let fear motivate your choices in life. Don’t be afraid to leave someone because you’re afraid of being alone. Don’t let fear prevent you from telling the truth to someone because you’re afraid it’ll hurt their feelings. Don’t let fear be the reason why you are unhappy. This is your life and I promise the less afraid you are of failing or being alone, the more happy you will become. It’s something I myself have learned by doing and it’s something you should try too. And when you're afraid, turn to your friends and family because there's more than one person that loves you in this world.
It may be hard to know when to let go, but if you truly listen to your heart when it's unhappy, it's time to let go and move on.
If you have any questions for me or need advice with anything, feel free to email me through the contact section because I know sometimes it’s just easier to talk to strangers about your feelings.
Don't forget to check our previous post: Fab Five: Winter Edition - Part 1
Stay STRONG and stay fabulous beauties. xoxo
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