20

Today I turned 20 (yes 20 on the 20th cool huh). It’s crazy thinking about all the things I’ve been through in just 20 years. Of all my birthdays however, the bravest thing I have ever done was done exactly 1 year ago today - my tattoo. See, I’m the type of person who wants to do things but never actually does them. I’ve been planning the same trip to Cuba every summer for the last 5 years - never gone. I say I’m going to start exercising - never do. I’m also the type of person who doesn’t say anything in the moment then thinks of a thousand things to say afterwards but knows even if those things had come to me in the moment I still wouldn’t have said them. I’ve always just been shy and to myself but only open with certain people. And I’m just really scared of what people will think. I keep telling myself to not do that but of course, I always do. So you can imagine that even to this day I still can’t believe I went through with getting a tattoo.

But I think about one year ago today, even the year before that and the place I was in and how grateful I am to be out of it. I got my tattoo in memory of my grandmother. She passed away June 2012 from cancer after being a part of my life every day for 18 years. 

I remember my last birthday with her was 4 months before she died. She was in the thick of her illness, and luckily because she lived next door to us (she lived with one of my aunts), we were able to take care of her. I used to come home from school, go get her and bring her over and sit her on the couch where we sort of had everything set up for her. I’d then sit with her for the rest of the day, doing whatever I needed to do, next to her and help her whenever she needed help. 

I remember for that birthday I blew out the candles of my cake right next to her, on that couch.

One day I stumbled upon a list of words from different languages that can’t be directly translated in English. My favourite one was the word ‘saudades’. The meaning in which I identified with was ‘a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound longing for an absent someone that one loves. It often carries a repressed knowledge that the person of longing may never return.’ It immediately reminded me of the days when she used to call every morning to ask if my sister and I had eaten breakfast or if we wanted her to make us tea. It reminded me of how I used to lay down in her lap as she stroked my head and we’d watch Wheel of Fortune. I longed for those moments and that vision of her that was never sick, never in pain. 

With that word, I found a phrase if you will ‘tenho saudades tuas’ which means ’I have saudades of you’ essentially meaning ‘I miss you’, but carries a stronger tone. 

So for my 19th birthday, I went ahead and I got it. It was the first time that I had ever really went out and gotten something that I really wanted.

Every time I look at it and think of her. And to this day it is the bravest thing I have ever done, for the bravest woman I have ever had the pleasure of having in my life. 

I am in a better place now than I was last year. I think as the years go by, I become happier. But it’s weird growing up. Having responsibilities and the pressure. I have this one picture over my bed, with me and my cousins when I’m about 7 and I think it’s the best thing ever. We look ridiculous but I love that picture. I love how carefree and happy we are. Everything just seemed so perfect in that moment. 

I'm the one in the pink dress (don't we look cool)

Every year I wonder where I’ll be in the next one. And every year it’s never what I expected.

I read this amazing article on The Huffington Post - ’19 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Turned 20 So I Didn't Waste a Decade’ and it truly inspired me to keep going on and just go through this life one step at a time.

Here’s to new beginnings and a happier life.

Don't forget to check our previous post: Fab Five: Winter Edition - Part 3

Stay happy and stay fabulous. xoxo